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Ten Ways to know if you have Estrogen Issues
- Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
- You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
- The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
- Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
- You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving - call 1-800-****."
- Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
- You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
- You're can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
- You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
- The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
....... author unknown
The Change
By Paul Weller
My sweetheart just turned forty-five,
And I love her, oh, so dearly.
But I’m
a little mystified,
Since she’s acting, oh, so queerly.
"Oh, it’s nothing that you’ve said or done,"
She assures me, ever sweetly.
"My
Change Of Life has now begun."
Then, she smiles and winks discreetly.
Smiling back, I take her hand,
Reassuring
and placating.
In truth, I didn’t understand
A thing that
she was stating!
Just what she meant by "Change Of Life"
I didn’t have a clue!?
And when I asked
my darling wife
Into a rage she flew!
"Well, I’m always tired! I’m hot! I’m cold!
I didn’t sleep last night!
I’m
fat! I’m ugly! I’m getting old!
My clothes don’t fit me right!
I think I’d like to KILL you,
And I’d love to run away!
But I know
how that would thrill you,
So, for spite, I think I’ll stay!
My body’s turned against me,
And I want to SCREAM again!
My hormones have
convinced me
That this "Change" is caused by MEN!
Yes, you just sit there smiling
While I’m going through pure hell!
You
think you’re so beguiling?
You think I couldn’t tell?
This is some cruel joke you play!
It’s all your fault, no doubt!
You never
loved me anyway
You selfish, brutish, lout!"
Yes, my sweetheart just turned forty-five,
And she changes by the hour.
Like Dr. Jekyll
and Mrs. Hyde
She goes from sweet to sour!
But I’ve been told, "This is a phase."
They say, "This, too, shall pass."
So, I’ll
remember better days,
‘Till they come again…..
AT
LAST!!!
New Disorder Discovered
Actually this is not new...it is what we have been calling the "but first"
syndrome.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with
AAADD ~ Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes...
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper
on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail
on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack...
BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any
bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm
going to look for that checkbook...
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look
out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV
on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh!
stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat. END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers
are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote
control... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd
get help...
BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.
Things only Women Understand
- Cats' facial expressions.
- The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
- Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
- Fat clothes.
- Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
- The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
- Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
- Eyelash curlers.
- The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
- A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
- OTHER WOMEN
....... author unknown
Mid-life
I've seen some TV shows recently that went on and on about how mid_life is a great time for women. Oprah even had a whole
show on how great menopause will be...puh-leeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40,50,60 (or maybe even
just pushing your luck), you'll probably relate.
- Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired
mustache.
- In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying
squirrels in drag.
- Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear end without turning around.
- Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and realize that it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on
film.
- Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream "Listen honey, even the Roman Empire
fell, and those will, too!"
- Mid-life brings with it the wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
- Mid-life is when you look at your know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks??"
- In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact, the only thing we can still retain is water.
- Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally ... more red and blue lines than an accurately
scaled map of Wisconsin.
- Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But, mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand, and
chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the
body you had back then? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all of the wisdom and love we've acquired.
Well, that's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it! ....... author unknown
Quotations from women about women.......
- The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - - Helen Hayes (at 73)
- I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - - Janette Barber
- Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and
send it to someone. - - Jan King
- Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - - Lily Tomlin
- A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - - Carrie Snow
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - - Laurie Kuslansky
- Old age ain't no place for sissies. - - Bette Davis
- A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - - Rhonda Hansome
- The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - - Jane Sellman
- Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. - - Jennifer Unlimited
- Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -
- Charlotte Whitton
- If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - - Catherine Aird
- When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing
loss...and they called ME slow! - - Kathy Buckley
- Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. - - Stephanie Piro
- My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - - Erma
Bombeck
- Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - - Caryn Leschen
- I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. - - Jennifer Unlimited
 Top 13 Things PMS Stands For
-
Psychotic Mood Shift
-
Pack My Stuff
-
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
-
Perpetual Munching Spree
-
Puffy Mid-Section
-
People Make Me Sick
-
Provide Me with Sweets
-
Pardon My Sobbing
-
Pimples May Surface
-
Pass My Sweatpants
-
Pissy Mood Syndrome
-
Plainly Men Suck
-
Pass My Shotgun
 THE BOOB POEM
For years and years they told me,
Be
careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I
always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K," I said,
"let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My
hooter's in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To
Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor
defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath" she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her
machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the
other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this
done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My
knockers getting steamrolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It
would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And see how THEY come out.
 THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5.
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here;
I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your
door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses ...
they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot
of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
19. I am unable
to remember if I have mailed this to you before or not
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